Well, so much for my luck with Newsweek’s embedding tool. Here’s the link to the very sweet video essay (I’m mixed on whether those two words should really be allowed side by side) by a 14-year old Brooklynite who has grown up living equally in both parents’ homes, ten blocks apart. She says that though her parents probably had to pretend to like each other in the beginning, but today they are among each other’s best friends.
I continue to believe that divorce can and should be done differently, and that there’s a whole group of people out there who fly under the usual radar of acrimony and deceit, and who yearn for models of “good” divorces. As I wrote to Alex’s mother tonight, it appears to be possible for two people to continue to parent really well together, despite not being each other’s ideal partner.
I had a somewhat comical, bittersweet vision of this through the kids tonight when they were playing at the sand table during a therapy session. Bea pointed to her winged goddess and said she was the queen, and that Thomas’ “Scorpion” warrior was the king. “But they’re divorced,” said Thomas. “Oh, right,” said Bea, pausing for only a moment to come up with a solution: “They don’t get along any more, but they go drink tea and coffee together, because that’s what divorced people do.”
The “not get along” part pinged my heart, but the fact that she has parents who even in her pretend world can still sip caffeine together felt pretty good.
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December 20, 2008 at 6:18 am
nyjlm
a friend of mine in jr high and high school switched homes every day (this was the early to late 80’s) and I could not fathom doing that. Her parents lived in relatively close proximity, but not within the Newsweek subject’s 10 block radius (this was on Staten Island, a less walking/public transit friendly borough). She either had to beg teachers to find her another textbook or take all of her books back and forth every day. Long before my own parents split I thought it was kind of selfish of her parents to insist on that, so it was an interesting change of perspective to watch that video.
I am very thankful that I was on the verge of college when my parents decided to divorce and that we didn’t have to deal with custody arrangements. I do think that my parents had a good divorce- a great divorce if such a thing exists- at least for my sister and myself. Yeah, my dad was a dumbass at times, telling us how awesome he was that he ‘let’ us stay in the house, but my parents were definitely united by acting in our best interest. To me, that’s the key to it- parents choosing to act like the grownups they are for the sake of the kids. I also believe that even one parent acting maturely can make a divorce good for the kids. My mother had plenty of reason to undermine my dad (he had an affair and married that woman) but she never did.
It’s after 1am here and I no longer have any idea what I was trying to say or if I managed to get the thoughts across. I was 17 when they split, almost 39 now, and still think about divorce and its role in my life quite a bit. While I’m sorry for the pain you are going through, I’m glad to see you writing about divorce in this way- and I think many kids would be a lot better off if their parents thought about it and talked about it.
December 20, 2008 at 4:54 pm
JKN
Thanks for this. As a writer, I can’t help myself but to reflect, reflect, reflect, and sometimes I worry that it’s not doing anyone much good. But in my gut, I do believe that the kind of awareness that comes from writing and thinking deeply on something can only help all those involved. It’s one way in which I meditate.
I do find that it’s becoming easier over time to become light with my ex. To make light, that is, of some things he does that could really anger me – like dating our former babysitter. I get a lot further – within myself and with him – if I roll my eyes and just k ind of think, “Well, there ya go.”