Last week was the commencement of taxes. It was putting down the retainer for the lawyer. It was no new work – again. It was tearing up my kitchen further to put down the floor. It was a mess. And yet it was good. I felt really clear. Everything was on its course. Slowly. But the right course. And I knew it would all get to where it was supposed to be. I knew.
Today it’s sunny. The house is just as much a mess. The bank account is as hollow as yesterday. But my belief is wavering. Will we be ok? Today: not so sure.
I’ve been thinking about relationships, the push/pull of them, the way one person leads and other decides to follow or not. In just a split second, you make so many decisions about where to pull, whether to follow. And so many decisions later seem like poor ones. The trust involved. … Do I have it in me again? I do for moments or even a day or two, and then I look back – like in NYC – and say, why didn’t I listen to my gut? That was true with Other Guy, too. There was that first kiss in the parking lot – a bright sunny day at lunchtime in a busy parking lot. He looked thrilled. My gut was less sure. Pleased. Flattered. Curious. Yes, yes, yes. But also sending out a definite: dangerwillrodgers signal. So why did I kiss back? Why didn’t I listen? What would I do the next time? Am I destined to always kiss back and always kick myself?
Watching my son play with an imaginary rocket right now in a stream of sun, the usually invisible dust motes floating around him, I wonder where I’ll be in a month. In a year. I’m scared, people. What’s out there that I can’t see.
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March 31, 2009 at 3:14 am
Elizabeth
Even though I’ve commented a few times on your blog, I still somehow feel rediculous attempting to talk to someone I don’t know, yet we are card-carrying members of the same club.
This blog, as the others, caught my attention & I guess I had to say something so that you know we are out here listening.
What caught me in your blog was the last 2 sentences…What’s out there I can’t see? I’m scared.
Me too. So what keeps me getting out of bed every morning (besides my 2 beautiful boys)? A few quotes from John Green’s first book ‘Looking for Alaska’ – the main character’s into famous last words…***Simon Bolivar “How will I ever get out of this labyrinth!” & Francois Rabelais “I go to seek a Great Perhaps.”
In the back of the book John says, “I was born into Bolivar’s labyrinth, and so I must believe in the hope of Rabelais’ Great Perhaps.”
What is out there that you can’t see? That I can’t see? A Great Perhaps.
I think MLK said this…’You may not be where you want to be. You may not be where you should be. But at least you aren’t where you were.’
‘You can’t go over it. You can’t go around it. You have to go through it.’ I wish you the best on your quest & thank you for sharing your fears. It’s nice to know we all aren’t in this alone.
March 31, 2009 at 4:30 am
Jennifer
Ooh, I like the MLK a lot!!! And it’s funny you end with the kids’ story as I use that ALL the time, mainly with myself but also with my children. It’s sooo soo true.
Thank you. Please don’t feel too silly. though I know what you mean.