I’m just starting to grapple with the legalities of visitation, child support, etc, all of which is complicated because Alex’s current life is so unstable and transient. His current income = zero. His current address = mud hut. Kind of hard to make a plan around that. Nor does he know where he’ll be living when he returns to the States, or exactly what he’ll be doing for income. So there will probably be many caveats written into the final document.
Someone left a comment on my last post that receiving the check from her ex, prior to when the automatic deposit kicks into action, makes her feel like a prostitute or a beggar. Yeah, I definitely get that. I’ve been amazed by the number of divorced mamas I’ve encountered who forego formal child support because they so want the financial chains to be completely clipped. These aren’t wealthy women. One friend, a social worker, has her ex pay for summer camps, after-school programs, sports and music lessons, and back-to-school stuff. Then she does the rest herself exactly because she couldn’t stand the check exchange or the sense that he was giving her the evil eyeball every time she showed up in a new pair of shoes or went on vacation. “It was like he thought his money was going toward me. He never got that what he was paying wasn’t even enough to cover our son, so of course none of it was going to me.”
I know other people who are ADAMANT about a father’s obligation to pay child support – my lawyer included, who has already politely put me in my place for suggesting that I’ll “give” on various financial areas just in order to be done with things. ”Uh, that’s his debt, too,” he says, gently but without any sense that we should budge on the point at hand. And I think there’s a certain obligation we owe to the women who came before us who fought the hard fight to get child support. The legal rights we have, as compared to women in developing countries, shouldn’t be taken lightly.
“His father never paid his child support regularly, so I don’t think you should assume he will either.” THAT “sage” advice came from Alex’s mom when she was trying to convince me stay in the marriage. As though I was somehow going to get more money out of him by staying together? She was overlooking the fact that it also meant being saddled with his debt.
Another friend just told me that she and her ex take turns from year to year claiming their son on their tax returns. But he lives with her, staying with the dad two nights a week, so the arrangement didn’t make sense to me. “Yeah, but I got out of all of his student loans,” she said. Ok, I see: it’s a game. You pay this, and I’ll pay that and maybe we’ll come out feeling something like ok at the end of the day.
Or not. I’m guessing Or Not kind of rules the day for most divorced couples. You?
7 comments
Comments feed for this article
April 3, 2009 at 7:56 pm
Michele B
Well I’m the one that pays the child support. I told my lawyer I wanted to pay my X in pennies every month because I was so mad about having to pay him at all. It was X’s choice to work so little the last few years even though I was paying for day care and preschool. He “needed time” to himself and couldn’t work more than 2 days a month. He told me in mediation I was mean spirited and a bully for suggesting he ought to get a FT job. He has an education and a lucrative profession and makes $40 an hour when he works. He just doesn’t like to. I sometimes wonder if I was the man and he was the woman in this scenario if it would seem different?
April 3, 2009 at 8:30 pm
Lara
I think you are right when you say “or not” kind of rules the day w/divorce. I feel so guilty (still even thought it’s been months) for asking for the divorce, I’ve agreed to take less than what the state’s custody calculator suggested. The judge’s eyebrow raised when my attorney told her the agreement. I cannot stand the feeling of indebtedness, though, and I’d rather my ex’s assistance go directly to my daughter’s school fees, camp fees, etc. However – with that being said, I recognize the cost of raising a child will go up as she gets older, and unless I want to revisit court, I’ve forfeited the right to larger monthly payments…right now that isn’t a problem for me, but I can’t say it won’t be in the future.
I feel for you. There is so much uncertainty with the divorce process, and there is such a lack of control over things that matter son intensely to us. It does get better…slowly but surely.
April 5, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Susan
When my ex-husband and I got divorced it was because he left me. During our 17 year marriage I had been a stay-at-home wife and mother at his behest. I fought very hard to get child support and alimony. My lawyer had him legally obligated to pay for college tuition and room and board when the time came. He has to have a life insurance policy in place for 100,000 with my child as the beneficiary until she graduates from college. He has to carry her on his health insurance and is responsible for all co-pays. Summer camps, tutoring, music lessons we had a 66% 34% split with my ex-husband responsible for the lion’s share. The same for glasses, contacts and other sorts of child peripherals. I regret that I did not ask for lifetime alimony regardless of remarriage and child support to last until my child graduated from college. I also should have asked for a split when it came time to pay for her car insurance but I didn’t think of that because she was only 10 at the time. I never felt badly for even a moment for taking a check from my child’s father to pay for anything for her. I always felt she and I deserved that money. I had been a good wife and a good mother. My sacrifices for our family enabled him to pursue his career and achieve financial success. I always felt that his good fortune should also be my daughter’s. Although he allowed me to have sole custody of her he still remained her father and with that comes an obligation to support the being you bring into the world. I never hesitated to ask for help from him when my daughter needed big ticket items such as a computer. I was always braced for a no but sometimes we could work it out. What I learned is to ask for what you want and need for your children. The two of you made those children and you know how hard it is to take of the children after the men are gone. Asking for help is not being needy. I think of it as being purposeful and brave. My ex, mostly, would only provide what he was legally obligated to pay. My only regret is that I didn’t ask for more during the legal negotiations. They can always say no and it’s almost always too late to go back and renegotiate. And, sometimes, because eventually everyone gets tired, you get a yes.
April 5, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Will
My ex-wife walked out and left me with three boys. The youngest was three when she left. She pays me alimony. I don’t look at it as a handout. If we were still living together she would be helping with the boys. Now she’s still helping with the boys just not physically. I changed jobs to a less demanding one so the hours would let me be home for the boys especially after school. My little one needed daycare. I need that child support to make up for what I lost financially when I changed jobs. My ex-wife fought against the child support. Eventually, her wages had to be garnished at her job because she just wouldn’t pay. The boys see their mother. It was hard to hear how she went on vacation or bought a new car when I was having trouble paying for their shoes or school activity fees. Eventually, things improved. I never looked at the child support as a handout just a hand in helping to raise the children she helped to create.
April 6, 2009 at 4:10 am
Jennifer
Thank you for this. I’ll remember this: “Asking for help is not being needy. I think of it as being purposeful and brave.” My ex has good intentions and would pay for everything if he could; the issue is and always has been, that he can’t. He’s never understood the difference between good intentions and the reality of an empty bank account either.
Again – thank you!
April 7, 2009 at 3:11 am
martha
you are entitled to a percentage (20?) of whatever he makes, and you’re going to need it. So don’t get soft, let your lawyer do his job and set this up. My guess is it’s not going to amount to a hill of beans considering Alex’s current situation–what is 20% of a mud hut? that is if he owned the mud hut which he does not, he’s renting it. As far as feeling like a prostitute–i get how in a twisted way of thinking someone could think that but i think it’s a far cry from prostitution. He’s not getting any from you, and you’re not selling anyway. This is a debt due. And it’s due to your kids, not you. Think of this–it’s about your children, providing for your chldren. It’s really not about you. It’s money for them. so push for it. Get them as much as you can. They will need it. Keep them at the forefront of your mind and it will give you strength to get what they need and deserve.
April 7, 2009 at 4:58 am
derbygrrrl
Something is probably wrong with me because I feel totally entitled to the money that comes every month. I don’t feel emotional about it at all. I would be heated if it wasn’t there but other than that, nothing. It is his monetary contribution- clear-cut, plain and simple. I guess part of it is due to the lawyer (i.e.someone else) calculating the amount, not me…and saying this is how it should be. Never looked back.