I live on a street sometimes referred to Lavender Alley for all of its lesbian households. They are all thrilled, and rightfully so, at the Iowa Supreme Court’s unanimous decision to legalize same-sex marriage. “We need to find a way to do marriage differently,” wrote one neighbor on facebook (until it truly warms up, this where I “see” my neighbors). She was soliciting ideas for new vows and ceremonies. I wrote and gave her the name of a book we’d used for our ceremony, a collection by poet Robert Hass, but added, “I hope you find a way to do divorce differently, too, because this stinks.”

My lawyer told me that when Alex returns in July, I should expect six months until we’re divorced. “Four months if everything goes perfectly,” he said, “But be prepared for six.” Given that we separated last June, that will mean a year and a half in all. That strikes me as ridiculous. I know it’s legal, I know it’s basically an untangling of possessions. but we have so few. ANd it only took a day to bind us  legally, why should it take six months to unbind us?

When Alex’s mom was divorcing from her really rotten second husband about ten years ago, it was a comedy of errors that nearly undid her. One court appearance was cancelled because the judge’s mother died, another because the rotten ex fell on a bike and broke his collar bone, and yet another for a hurricane. And each time, it took months to get a new court date. In the meantime, the rotten ex decided he suddenly wanted her gardening tools, though he’d never gardened himself. He needed her pots and pans. He invented reasons to be alone with her in the house they were selling – the house in which she’d raised her kids previous to meeting him but to which he was privy of its profits – and twice he threatened her, throwing objects her way that she was luckily able to duck. But  having a TVh hurtled at you does not make for a stress-free experience and definitely makes one wonder why the  heck two years — 48 months! – are needed to legally get away from someone so nuts.

When I think of things I hope my daughter won’t have to go through, a year and a half separation/divorce is among them. Though not being the target of a TV thrower is higher on the list.