Alex is down. He is thinking of moving away. Not far. But away. To a place where he has more friends. It’s a move that on some levels makes sense and seems inevitable – more work possibilities which means more money for me – something that is definitely of interest as I’m currently receiving none. But it’s also away from the kids. A move that would be more than a large splinter in their hearts. A move that would speak volumes to them about love and trust.
And so here’s where I’m of two minds: do I let him stew in his own juices – leave him alone to his own depression and whatever its outcome may be? or do I try to be helpful in the name of my kids and provide avenues for him to feel more connected to this community, give him ideas for how to establish roots here that will help him feel less isolated and make him want to stay? In short, do I become my children’s advocate, even if that means being in a relationship with my ex that isn’t entirely comfortable and is more than bit galling, or do I say fuck it? I think I already know the answer. But I’m not sure I like it.
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October 17, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Michele
FWIW, I think it’s his life and his relationship with his kids, and you are no longer his cheerleader, secretary, or therapist. Yes, it would suck for the kids if he moved away, but if it truly makes him more content with his life then that’s likely to their benefit.
October 18, 2009 at 1:34 am
beth
I have to agree with Michele, to some degree.
You cannot manage his parenting. You cannot navigate the waters of difficult decisions for him. If you start down this road at this point, you’ll regret it later.
There’s a vague hint of codependency when we continue to intervene, intercept, intercede and inform our ex’s. You are your children’s advocate. You do well to teach them to respect their father and honor him. You are not on the hook for having him do the right thing.
If you want to own this decision, now, you’ll find yourself owning too many other decisions, later.
Spoken not necessarily to you, but to me when I was in your shoes exactly about five years ago.
Eventually, he came around on his own, and everybody’s better for it. The kids cried bitter tears when they missed him, when he was eight hours away with weird, bitchy girlfriends. But now he’s here, close, with a wonderful wife that EVERYBODY thanks God for, and the kids are solid.
It worked better that way.
End of sermon. I’ll pray for you…
October 18, 2009 at 3:51 am
Jeff
Yeah, it’s tough to let go and let him find his way. The curve ball is having kids and feeling for their needs. I can see where that would make it confusing.
But the laws of the universe still apply in my mind. Those laws being everybody has to find their own way and I have to find mine. Best case scenario the kids learn how to let go by watching you.
October 18, 2009 at 10:46 am
Susan
It’s a hard choice. When I was going through my divorce and my young daughter was angry we went to a therapist together. The best thing the therapist said to me was “Stop fixing it!” I was always explaining and mitigating, for my daughter, the behavior of her father. When I stopped fixing it I took myself out of the middle and my daughter had a chance to relate to her father as he was for better or worse. It was better for me, too. I stopped working so hard and could put that energy into myself and the relationship between my daughter and me. It was the best advice I ever got. I think you are very brave. Your writing is so honest. When I read your blog I remember so many feelings. . There is a Quaker saying that the way will open and I feel sure that your way is opening for you.
October 23, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Elizabeth Van Jacob
Excellet advice here.