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Au Revoir, Goodbye, So Long is for anyone considering divorce, in the midst of it, or recovering from it. To reach its author, please leave a comment and she’ll reply.

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October 15, 2008 at 10:54 am

mpg

this is so poignant. i’m sorry this is happening. Why can’t reasonable people work things out? Why does it have to be this way? I don’t get it. It seems like people are fast to get married and then quit somewhere along the path. Their mate is too this or too that. It seems to me that people put too much responsibility on their mate for fulfilling what really is their own responsibility — ultimately, everyone is responsible for their own happiness. But I guess that attitude is the dynamic behind marriages where the two people are living under the same roof but live separate lives. Intimacy breaks down. Affairs happen. I don’t have the answer, but I am in an old marriage and know that over time I have fallen in and out of love with my husband. Each time I fall out, I have faith that I may fall back in. That prevents me from doing anything permanent that would damage the marriage. I have to think back often to why I married him in the first place.
the dance of intimacy–draw together, backup. Everyone wants intimacy but everyone wants different degress of it and that changes over time too. It’s all very fluid and tricky.
At some point there’s no turning back. Lots of people get divorced. But it’s never easy. And these essays on the process are painful to read.

March 8, 2009 at 5:49 am

Elizabeth

Hello – I just found your blog via PBS Parents while searching for articles on single moms raising boys. I’ve only read a few posts, don’t know your name yet or your story well, but somehow I feel in the instant that I’m not living this struggle alone.

I have technically been a single mother for going on 7 months, though I’ve realistically been doing it since I was pregnant with my first son. I am still dealing with the legal process of divorcing, settling into a new place/city with my boys, figuring out how to talk to their father nearly every day and see him without wanting to punch him or cry. I found out about his affair 1 year ago tomorrow and wonder if I will ever be able to accept that she may one day have a relationship with my children.

I just wanted to thank you for putting yourself out there. There are definitely women going through the same thing and feeling relief from your words and an initiation into the club no one really wants to be in. I wish there was a way for single moms to connect in order to realize that we really aren’t in this alone as we seem to be when we’re checking our email for work while feeding the kids dinner, doing a load of laundry and waiting on hold for a maintenance guy to come fix the leaking sink.

March 8, 2009 at 6:09 pm

Jennifer

Elizabeth, Welcome! And yeah, we’re not alone, though it can rrrreeeeallly feel like it . Mainly, though, we’re not alone b/c we have our kids. And as difficult as raising them can be, the beauty is much greater. I get to see them every day, I know all of the little things about them that my husband is missing because he doesn’t live with us any more – doesn’t even live in the country for the time being. In my case, both sides erred; there was so climactic ending, but rather a slow, painful unraveling. I have been more willing than him to make changes and keep trying, which may make me the “better” partner or the dumber one – I’m not y et sure. But I did finally realizing that it takes two, and if he’s not willing to put in the same level of effort, than things are done.

I look forward to seeing you here more.
-Jennifer

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"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” Anais Nin

“I see my path, but I don’t know where it leads. Not knowing where I’m going is what inspires me to travel it.” -Rosalia de Castro

“It isn’t what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it’s what we say to ourselves about what happens.” ~Pema Chodron

Sit. Feast on your life. - Derek Walcott

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