anger management

I’ve already expressed to three people today – three of whom may even be reading this; HI women! – so I’m not sure what good it will do to say it once more – a hope for some sort of throwing it into the universe and letting it go, I guess. I’m just so angry with Alex for not having worked since  May. He is doing a smidge of editing for someone, but basically hasn’t worked for six months. His excuse is that  he’s leaving for Africa “any moment”, even though by now he should realize that this job just gets pushed back ad nauseum. He could be delivering pizzas, for pete’s sakes. He could have raked old people’s yards. Hell, he could have raked all of my yard! I’m not looking for big bucks from him on a short notice. But it’s a matter of self-respect. He has these two kids. What does it say to them? When we got together, we bought into the 50/50 plan of marriage and parenting, and he’s holding on strong to it. You pay half; I pay half. And he is paying around half, if paying from loans and credit cards counts. There’s something, though, simply in his actions that doesn’t feel 50/50. And knowing that he’ll have loans to repay that will limit his ability to pay for stuff for the kids. I get so angry. It recalls all of the anger I carried around for the last two years of the relationship. Yet expressing it to him does nothing. It doesn’t effect change, it only makes the climate between us unpleasant. So I try to stay calm, like an iced over lake. Calm and cool. And underneath: a volcano.

ca-ching

 

Last night was the first time Alex took the kids for the entire night. Did they stay home and play a game or rent a video? Did they go to the pool on Free Family Friday or ride their bikes? (Ok, to be fair, it was raining.) No, they went and saw a play downtown, ate dinner out, bought some small trinkets, and then got up this morning and went and had pancakes. There is close to zero in our joint account (this week is the week I close this account – I promise, I swear), and he’s made no income since July. But this doesn’t seem to faze him. And it serves to remind me of one of the most crucial ways in which we just don’t match up.